...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

For people who like peace and quiet a phoneless cord.

I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

There are 3 kinds of people those who can count & those who can't.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Your wits make others witty.